PAST

OPEN WOUNDS

Have you ever thought of suicide and the simplest / least painful way possible of doing it? Well i have been there trust me, a couple of times, trying to battle the issue at hand , but then again drift back to this thought or get a way of inflicting pain to myself and finding pleasure in it. Weird huh!

This was back in 2016 and i remember i was stuck at the abyss and no light shone through. I had to find an outlet because this was from within and nothing that was external would have solved my problem. One thing that really got me through my darkest hours was thy Mary Jane. I am a quite curious being and i confess that i do prefer experiences to hear says so i decided to walk on this path.

It has been one of the wisest decisions i have made in life. Makes me smile like a clown with all my teeth out. I get to allow nothing less than positive thoughts cross my mind and most importantly a stress reliever in the most natural way. I get to rationalize all the thoughts that i had prematurely judged, driven by my emotions, subjectively. With time i started having questions towards life itself, and why are we truly here. Does love exist? Are we just playing a game in this matrix? Does it make sense that we are born to die? Are you different from me or are we just the same? Why is the world so unfair? Is there really goodness and evil? Why am i really here?

Some of us just want a piece of cake, but I wanted the whole cake. I didn’t feel like i was in motion. It felt like my time was frozen. This made me feel very frustrated, and as if, out of nowhere, there was a ticking time bomb for me. That is how the dormant mountain erupted for the first time in 18 years. I took a pen and started to write what i truly felt and it came out like flowing water. This was a little heaven for me, I felt alive !

I would love to share with you some of the random letters i wrote down to myself when i was in hell and how i got to heaven.

26/09/16

My Inner Demons To The One

Everyone’s just a little bit flawed,

But we all learn to live with it.

Maybe because their loved ones make them feel worth it.

Wishing there was someone to secure my situations and

make me feel a bit appreciated,

Or maybe i just brushed them all off and clung on

to those who made me feel a bit of misery.

I think I should learn some emotional intelligence

and figure out how to deal with body language.

They tell you that you are beautiful,

But they just don’t get it.

It’s never about the beauty on the outside because,

I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear my side of the story.

I’m pretty ugly on the inside.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear

my side of the story,

Because you will be scared too.

I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life,

mostly with the so called human beings,

Who always wanted something in return.

But honestly all i ever wanted / asked for,

is for a guy who is willing to listen

without judgement and consent

and can save me before its too late,

Cause I can feel it seeping through

my veins on a daily basis, and really taking over.

This will cost me more than my own life,

But I’ll be patiently waiting for that one person.